I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
