I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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