woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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