I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you will always have a special place in my vag
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
