she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My ATM looks so different sober.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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