Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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