My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize