I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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