I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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