1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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