Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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