my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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