Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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