im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
