Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
