Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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