I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
