what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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