And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
