Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
