I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
