Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
