Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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