Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
