Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize