Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
