Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
