I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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