so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
