the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
