so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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