saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
