I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
