Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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