I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
