the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
