Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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