I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
