it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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