and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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