In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
