he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize