I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
