I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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