There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
