it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
