i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
