On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
