Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize