I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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