He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
