WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
