Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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