nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
