youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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