There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize