I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
