The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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