I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
